After many years of painstaking research, it is finally time to reveal my findings on one of nature’s most territorial species- The Mall Thug.
I have studied the different phylum of the mall for quite some time, but few of its inhabitants are as interesting as the mall thug. Mall thugs are distant cousins to actual thugs, a common mistake made by novice shoppers. If you are having trouble identifying a mall thug from someone who might actually stab you, just look for a few tell tale signs. First, actual thugs don’t have a lot of free time for leisure and shopping, so if you spot a thug in a mall you know said thug isn’t very dangerous. Second, notice how the mall thug lacks the self confidence and intimidating presence that a real thug would possess. The third and final test for determining the validity of the thug in question is a simple but effective observation: If the subject is under the age of 16 and can’t control the bagginess of their pants or the volume of their voice, you have in your sights a mall thug.
Now that we have identified the mall thug, let us discuss some of its behavior and social habits. The mall thug can often be seen congregating in packs around Champs or Finish Line. Footwear is an essential part of mall thug culture. Because most mall thugs lack the size or confidence to be intimidating, they have resorted to matching their shoe laces to their hats in order to show authority. Matching colors is how young mall thugs attract desperate females, similar to a peacock. The mall thug will make strange hand gestures and noises to get the female’s attention, and then hope she notices the outline on his jacket matches his Jordans.
Anthropologists have often noted the extremely aggressive and territorial nature of the mall thug. They travel in groups, ranging from four to eight members, giving intimidating stares to all they pass. They will often attempt to approach the girlfriends of other mall thugs. This usually results in a brief exchange of angry words, with both males in question often backing down awkwardly. During my research, I noticed that most mall thugs are actually very gentle, but are misunderstood because of their strange behavior and interesting fashion choices. Because mall thugs are often rather annoying and occasionally too physical, I have developed a system for visiting the mall without incident: Avoidance, Escape, and Confrontation.
Avoidance– The key to navigating the mall without detection is to know where the packs are most likely to strike. Avoid places like phone kiosks, as they are often run by friends of thugs. Any place that sells cubic zirconia (such as Piercing Pagoda), should be avoided, as this imitation diamond is often all that a mall thug can afford. And by all means, stay away from Lids. Lids is where all beginner mall thugs go to purchase their first flat brimmed hat, a ceremonial rite of passage.
Escape– Outrunning a mall thug can be difficult, as many are on j.v. football or basketball teams. Fortunately, a key flaw to the mall thug’s attire is limited maneuverability. Because they wear their pants so low, they may find it difficult to keep up in a long winded pursuit. If they start gaining on you, use an escalator. Mall thugs will be rendered immobile on an escalator, as they cant resist the opportunity to pose while moving.
Confrontation– Nearly all mall thugs lack any fighting ability or weaponry. Also, each member of the pack is a separate entity, and they will rarely help each other in an actual fight. If you have to fight a mall thug, try to avoid the slew of rapid fire “punches” they will throw in every direction. A useful technique is to always carry a copy of Brian De Palma’s Scarface. Mall thugs will be mesmerized and distracted at the sight of it, giving you the opportunity for the first strike.
I hope these techniques and information will help you in navigating the mall. The mall thug is an important part of the delicate mall ecosystem, without whom there would be chaos. Without the noble mall thug, there would be no one to keep the goth and scene kids from overrunning the average shopper. As a scientist, I greatly appreciate the mall thug for his impact on the vapid, pathetic world he lives in.