Things I Hate: Ke$ha

April 23, 2010

I watched the Grammys last year. I did this purely for entertainment purposes. Alas, I was not entertained, far from it actually. However, something of interest did happen while I watched the Grammys. Somewhere in between Kings of Leon receiving the award for the most overplayed album of the century and Taylor Swift receiving a lot of awards for just about everything, two people got behind the podium. I didn’t recognize these people. They were complete strangers to me. However, I was utterly fascinated by them, and as I watched a young Courtney Love and a fourteen year old mess of beautiful hair speak less then eloquently about voting for something completely irrelevant, I started to wonder about things. What were these two no-names doing at the Grammys? Why the hell am I still watching The Grammys? Should I text that number to see if the performance I wanna watch gets played?

These questions plagued me until recently. Over the past few months Bieber Fever has been spreading like wild fire and if you haven’t caught it yet you’re probably living under a rock. Yet, at the same time that Courtney Love look-a-like has been out there spreading a virus of her own, a virus which I can only assume itches… a lot.

I just don’t get Ke$ha. What is her purpose (besides the obvious, theres’s a fucking dollar sign in her name afterall)? Here we stand in the midst of the biggest pop icon to arise since Madonna, yet we subject ourselves to listening to this. I mean, seriously, is there something I’m not seeing here?

I guess sex sells right? That might be it. She’s all about the sex appeal. But I mean, imagine for a moment that you’re having sex with Ke$ha. It would be a lot like having sex with a rag doll. She would flail around awkwardly and knock things over. Halfway through she’d pass out. You’d then realize you’re having sex with a mop, a mop that smells like vomit. She’d probably only wake up to either vomit on you (again) or to snort another line of coke. There’s nothing appealing about that. I believe we call that a crack whore.

But what else could be appealing? I’m not even going to bother dissecting her music. The third line in her first big hit is “Before I leave I brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack.” That just says it all. Who fucking cares? There’s a parody of that song, that’s significantly better then the actual song. Is that not a sign? Where could her music career possibly go from here? It’s as if some dude at a record label was like, “Alright guys, the whole Brittney Spears going crazy thing was pretty cool. What if instead of repeating that we just hired a teenage girl who looks like she just woke up after spending a night in a dumpster and then just skipped the whole pretending she’s a virgin thing? We could have her sing about alcohol and getting date raped. This shit’ll be awesome.” Like, what’s Ke$ha’s next song gonna be “LOL, Roofies R Kool”?

Ke$ha wasn’t even that relevant to me until she performed on Saturday Night Live last Saturday night as their musical guest. This was one of the funniest things I’ve seen on SnL since Tina Fey started writing. Go watch it. Right now. DO IT.

That shit was hilarious, right? You don’t even care that it’s sad. I mean, that was tear jerkingly sad. That was like watching that one awkward girl at the talent show that can’t quite sing get up and try to perform Celine Dion. It’s just rough, man. Can you imagine what her parents are thinking right now? Does she even have parents? People give Jessica Simpson’s dad a hard time about selling her out, but if Ke$ha’s parents are even remotely involved with her career then they have willingly sold their daughter into prostitution. Think about it for a moment.

Despite all of this, here I stand. I’m at a total loss for words. This whole thing is just silly. The two most popular musicians at the moment are a drunken whore and a sixteen year old boy who sings about seducing girls on the playground. It’s completely ridiculous.

My New Years Resolution this year was to listen to more pop music. I’m trying to make myself a more well rounded person musically, but all that’s come out of pop music over the last few months is a blatant Postal Service rip off and these two buffoons (admittedly, I kinda like Justin Bieber, not so much because of his music but because I know in four years he’ll redeem himself ala Justin Timberlake so why jump on the hate train now?). It’s disappointing. 2010 has been a pile of shit for pop. Where’s the T-Swift? Where’s the Lady Gaga? Where’s the Rhianna? This shit is boring. I’m not gonna get into Ke$ha just so I can be pretend to be surprised when her mug shot shows up on TMZ in a few months after she’s been charged with possession of an illegal substance.  Are we really that desperate to see another celebrity destroy themselves that we’re making celebrities that already come pre-destroyed? This isn’t an instant TV dinner. We gotta earn this shit, America.

I hate Ke$ha. I hate her because she’s against everything I stand for – morally, musically, and intellectually. I encourage you to feel the same way and if you don’t then look no further then this video. Yep. That exists.

– Wayne!

Things I Hate: Guys Who Don’t Get Star Wars References

April 16, 2010

There are certain parts of pop culture that everyone should have some basic knowledge of. I have always felt it was a social obligation to stay informed about certain popular topics so that I dont become boring in a group setting. There is nothing worse than being the one guy at a party who can’t throw down a Hangover quote. But for men, there is one subject that demands familiarity. Every guy should be expected, nay, obligated, to have seen Star Wars before they reach puberty. If Star Wars wasn’t a part of your boyhood, then you didn’t really have one.

There are few things more upsetting to me then when a full grown man doesn’t know where Wookies come from. Every guy worth meeting, at one point, had a Star Wars phase. For most of us, this period of sci fi enlightenment comes between the ages of 11 and 16. Kids with really cool parents were ordered to watch it on VHS before they could say Tatooine. You should have watched it young, and watched it often. It requires multiple viewings so the young male mind can process all the awesome.

Star Wars is your right of passage into being a guy. The only guys who haven’t seen Star Wars are the bullies from 80’s teen movies. But for the rest of us, this is the movie that taught you about lightsabers, the force, chicks with side buns, and how scary an asthmatic villain can be. It is the movie that gets you into all the cool shit that guys are supposed to like: jetpacks, lasers, having a really hairy best friend, and girls in metal bikinis.

So when it’s really snowy out and I make a Hoth joke, as a man you better be ready to laugh. When you see a sweaty guy breathing too heavy, you better be thinking Jabba the Hutt. Red 5 is Luke’s call sign, not a type of food coloring. When you go to a really diverse bar, a bro is socially obligated to say, “It looks like Mos Eisley in here.”  I remember when I saw Pineapple Express in theatres, and when James Franco said, “What’s down there, a fucking Rancor?” only a couple of dudes laughed. It was a travesty.

Star Wars is as much a part of being a guy as shaving and giving high fives. If you don’t know how fast the Millennium Falcon made the Kessel Run, get the fuck out.