We’re Back!

May 17, 2010

So after a week long vacation from everything sort of thing the two of us are back – with a vengeance. Which means, we want to kill you. Well not really. We don’t want to kill you. Hugs are actually being dished out as we speak. Perhaps you’ll get one if you’re good enough, maybe.

So yeah, I really needed that time off from life. Feels pretty good. I’ve got a lot of great Song of the Days and a few articles planned this week. I will write them. We can also have an open discussion about how attractive I am. Also, at some point I’ll be changing somethings around on this here blog so look out for that.

– Wayne!

Lemmings: Not Really a Fan of the Whole Killing Themselves Thing

April 27, 2010

I’m not sure how I feel about Disney. They’ve got this weird thing for ducks, but man do they hate lemmings. I mean, they friggin’ murdered the poor bastards.

Omg, it's fat and cute.

I’ve never been one to care much about lemmings. Who would? They don’t really do anything interesting. They’re just fat little rodents. They’re kind of adorable, but they’re still just fat little rodents that don’t do anything. That being, it really is unfortunate that I spent my entire childhood thinking that lemmings were mentally handicapped mice whose only interests included foraging and mass suicide. Truth be told, however, that while it’s no doubt that these chubby little guys aren’t exactly the brightest, they still don’t blindly kill themselves en masse like I once thought. Admittedly, I’ve known that lemmings aren’t really a huge fan of  the whole suicide thing for quite a while, but I never knew that Disney was the blame for my childhood ignorance.

Apparently, back in 1958 people really sucked at filming nature documentaries. From what I’ve gathered it seems that the Disney documentary White Wilderness was shot over the course of three years. Along the way some guy was all like, “Yo, you know what’s nuts? These silly little rodents called lemmings run over cliffs and kill themselves. That shit is mad entertaining. Let’s film that.” Unfortunately, they never found any lemmings jumping to their deaths, so some asshole decided to take the matter into his own hands by first faking footage of lemmings migrating and then faking footage of lemmings killing themselves. This popularized the myth that every three or four years lemmings get extremely bored and decide to go throw themselves off a cliff for shits and giggles.

Now, I want you to watch this three minute long clip from White Wilderness. I want you to watch this clip with the full knowledge that these lemmings aren’t killing themselves unassisted.

Yeah, that’s right. This shit happened. Hell, this shit won an Academy Award.  Man, all I can think of when I watch this video is that there’s some fat guy pushing these things off that cliff with a stick. This is the most terrible thing I’ve ever seen. The worst part of the video has to be the fact that it seems like the narrator is trying to talk you through it, “It’s okay guys, sometimes nature is just severally retarded. It’s not like we’re shoving them off the edge of this cliff or anything.”

Man, now I’m wicked sad. Thanks Disney. Thanks.

Turns out, Lemmings don’t murder themselves.

– Wayne!

Let’s Get Dangerous

April 23, 2010

Something really weird happened in the late eighties and then all throughout the nineties. It happened subtly on nearly every children’s broadcasting station. Disney, Warner Bros, Cartoon Network, and a slew of movies and commercials were all dominated by one animal: the duck.

Take a minute to think about how many cartoon ducks you have seen in your life. On Disney alone there were over 50 characters who had a beak. It is pretty bold to flood your network with ducks, and even more impressive that someone at Disney had to think of over 50 duck themed puns to name all the characters. Just take a look at these names and tell me some guy at Disney didn’t want to hang himself: Webby Vanderquack, Quackmore Duck, Gosalyn Mallard, Canard Thunderbeak?

A lot of this started with the travesty of a film that is Howard the Duck. The film version of the absurd Marvel comic came out in 1986, and since then, has graced bad movie nights across the country for years. I have a theory that some guy over at Disney was really into this movie. This dude saw it like 6 times in theaters, has some serious theories about the spectroscope, and probably still gets a hard on when he thinks about duck tits. This is the only theory I have as to why ducks ruled the nineties with an iron beak. Get it? Beak? Cause like, ducks have beaks? Puns are cool right?

DuckTales played a big part in the mallard domination over at Disney. Scrooge McDuck and his badass great-nephews Huey, Dewey,and Louie set the standard for what a great cartoon should be. It was Disney’s first syndicated cartoon, and it paved the way for a lot of the great shows that came out when I was growing up. If it wasn’t for DuckTales there would be no Rescue Rangers or Tailspin! Another important aspect of DuckTales was that it set up a separate universe within Disney. The writers and animators had more room for creativity because they had the DuckTales universe to work in. Because of the success of DuckTales, Disney made two spin-offs. Quack Pack was Disney’s failed attempt to reach teenagers. But the second spin-off may have been one of the greatest genre parodies of the decade, Darkwing Duck.

Fact: When there’s trouble you call D.W.

Darkwing Duck was the Green Hornet, Inspector Gadget, and Batman all rolled into one. This was the show you would wake up super early on a Saturday for. It had action, great characters, and tons of references that cartoon hungry kids would catch. I think Darkwing Duck may be responsible for my elitism when it comes to pop culture references. The seven year old version of me loved it when I picked up a Batman joke that only I caught. Darkwing Duck is the reason I enjoy Robot Chicken so much. The show borrowed a few favorites from DuckTales, most notably Launchpad. Launchpad was Disney’s Chewbacca- you never really knew what he was saying, but he was big and made funny noises so you loved him. Darkwing Duck was about as cool as Disney ever got. In a time before Lizzie McGuire and Hannah Montana were spewing preteen garbage all over the network, cartoon ducks used to run that shit.

When you also factor in movies like The Mighty Ducks and Babe (Ferdinand was clearly the star of that movie), and how awesome Golduck is, it is pretty clear how important ducks were for the last few decades. I don’t know why it happened, but its undeniable that the young culture of America really responded to duck humor without even realizing it. The last vestige of our love affair with aquatic birds is in the form of that annoying duck from the Aflac commercials. If you ask me, I would gladly trade the Jonas Brothers for another show about millionaire mallards or crime fighting water fowl.